So in preparation for Halloween (a holiday I usually only celebrate by getting incredibly, explosively drunk) I've been watching horror movies. I watched three new (to me) horror movies in the last three nights and I plan to keep that streak up at least through Friday night, when I'll show my favorite of them my friends at our semi-annual Halloween party. Hopefully being exposed to a great, unsung horror flick will make them forgive me for throwing up and general drunken assholery.
My little horrorthon is inspired by two things. Firstly, idiot customers. Not a week goes by without a group of idiot teenagers, asshole 20-somethings or tactless 30s-people (if you can think of a better word/non-word for that, let me know) asking me for "the scariest movie ever," and during October it's a daily barrage. There are a few things that bother me about the question, not the least of which is the idea of an objective "scariest." The movies that scared me more than any others are La Moustache and 2001, yet I doubt my customers would appreciate me sending them home with a so-called horror movie that trades bloody scares for existential ones.
Of course, it doesn't really matter what I recommend to them. I've spent twenty minutes talking people's ears off, trying to put quality horror flicks in their hands. I can shill John Carpenter classics like The Thing and In the Mouth of Madness all goddamn day long, but the second I tell somebody that the movie's more than two or three years old (heaven forbid from the 80s), their nominal interest vanishes. With most people my age and younger, if a movie didn't come out in the last five minutes, it isn't of interest; if it's older than they are, it's just old.
The biggest issue I have with these supposed horror fans is that they don't like being scared! The horror genre to many has come to be defined not by scares, but by gore. Saw, for all its gruesome cruelty, is not a scary movie - the number of people who get excited for each of its many sequels, however, is fucking terrifying. My issue with these people isn't so much that they like crap, but that they dislike quality. I can't imagine anybody not being scared by The Descent, yet I'm frequently surprised by customers coming back telling me it "sucked." I feel like they're put off by the two most interesting things about the movie: its slow-burn start and challenging conclusion. Of course, that's the central issue: the majority of people coming into my store (and I suspect the majority of horror fans) aren't interested in being entertained any level higher than the basest, titillation via an excess of splatter.*
In spite of these Saw-Girls and Idiot Kids - as two of my regular gore fiends have been monickered - I'm dedicating a few hours a night this week watching movies that do more than just throw viscera around the screen for 90 minutes (though they do that, too, and oh so well).
The second impetus for my private horror fest is that, for as much of a genre geek as I am, I'm not very well versed in this particular one. As a kid I was never shown any scary movies, and wisely so: I practically shit myself in the theater during Jurassic Park. As I got older, most of the horror movies that I saw neither scared nor interested me. Of course there were exceptions: I still remember being completely freaked out watching The Shining for the first time, and conquering my fear of Alien and its sequel by watching them to death and back**. Still, horror movies were mostly left out of my voracious consumption of movies, ignored while I wolfed down the typical teenage male film menu (post-Tarantino crime, ultra-dark pseudo-indie twist-filled thrillers, and Fight Club).
Then, in my nineteenth year upon this grey Earth, I was introduced to Bob and CHUD. Bob's the guy that hired me to work for Soulless Corporate Video Chain so many, many years ago, and his love of schlock, horror and 80s action was (and is) freakishly infectious. He exposed me to Carpenter, showed me a guilty affection for direct-to-video shit, and gave me the greatest gift one film fan can give another: Frankenhooker. He also directed me to a little site called CHUD.com, where the writers had compiled a list (read its glory HERE) of "100 Movies That Deserve More Love." I absorbed the list and fell in love with CHUD in a bad way; five years later I still visit the site (at least twice daily) for news, reviews and smart-mouthed bitchery without equal on these here internets. CHUD and Bob showed me that people who are serious about movies should love all kinds of them, from the indiest of the art house to the trashiest of the grindhouse.
Wow, okay... bit of a huge sidetrack there. Me thinks most people who were duped into reading this by its sexy and amusing title*** might feel betrayed by this soft-hearted autobiographical wank. (Skip to the end...) Aside from privately spiting my dimwitted customers, I'm having this "Halloweek of Terror!"**** because, despite years of awesome Bob and CHUD recommendations, I still haven't seen that many horror movies (for gods' sake, I've never seen any of the Halloween or Friday the 13th movies, though I imagine seeing the first of each should be enough to appease my guilt).
So, every night this week I'm going to watch one horror flick new to me, and post mini-reviews here - at least, ideally mini; anyone who made it to the end my epic Indiana Jones review is either a saint or a glutton for punishment. Since Friday I've watched The Blob ('88), Teeth, and Event Horizon; expect write-ups on them soon, and more on others shortly after.
*I'm obviously leaving out the other half of modern horror movies, the PG-13 remake of a Japanese ghost movie; it's omission is simply because I can't qualify what it is people find scary about grey-skinned Asian children with eye-makeup.
**And yes, I do think there's something wrong with having two sentences in a row pivot on colons, but I also don't care that much.
***In retrospect, my titles is barely amusing and not at all sexy, unless you're turned on by fat-Brando.
****My alternate title was "My Own Private Idahorror." And yes, I know I'm out of control with the footnotes.
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2 comments:
What a charming pic of you :p
Anywho, having watching many of the classic 80's horror flicks as a child- Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, etc, I would stick to your plan and only watch the first parts of each. If you haven't already, you should check out Carrie. I haven't seen it since I was a kid, but I recall it being really good. I just hope it doesn't end up like our recent viewing of Event Horizon >_<.
-Biis
Idahorror?
I certainly read that "Idahor" pronounced "Idawhore" and laughed, and laughed.
Also, learn how to use semi-colons.
On a more serious note, I'd love to hear your ideas on "100 Movies That Deserve More Love." Namely, I'd like to hear what movies deserve to be added since the list was compiled.
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